Nothing Changed, Only Everything Changed

How has it already been a year?

There are very few moments in life that will stop me in my tracks. Opening my phone and unexpectedly seeing a photo of our family standing in front of our brick Tudor home exactly one year ago for the last time was one of those paralyzing moments. A flood of emotions washed over me as I tried to do the mental math, confronting the disbelief that 365 days had passed.

How has it already been a year?

A year since I last heard the 100 year old oak floors creak beneath my feet in our first family home. A home my oldest son still occasionally cries for. A year since our closest friends rallied around us and helped us cram possessions in boxes, only hours before we left. I still don’t know how we pulled it off. A year since my mother squeezed my four-month and two-and-a-half year old boys. A heart wrenching fact I can’t dwell on. The boys have completely transformed since then.

I moved halfway across the world to hit the reset button on my life. I wanted to mix up the dynamics that landed me in deep burnout. Surely, moving to a foreign country (one I’d never even been to before) with a different language, culture, and pace of living would turn my world upside down? Only in the most positive, easy, and uplifting ways… right? Add in a year long sabbatical from our demanding jobs for both me and my husband and it was a recipe for completely changing every aspect of our lives.

Life is Still the Same

But, some days I can’t help but think nothing really changed. Kids grow up, time speeding up with every passing moment. Milestones are still the same - babies rollover, then sit up, then crawl, then walk. Getting toddlers out the door on time for school is still a throwdown over shoes and jackets. Epic meltdowns ensue over the color of a cup. The laundry never ends. Not to mention, when you’re home with the kids all day, every day, the amount of dishes that stack up is un-freaking-real. Sleep regressions still destroy the blissful “rest” I was supposed to get on this European journey towards inner peace.

Are you there god? I’d appreciate it if you’d stop laughing.

Some days I look back at myself - this ignorant, hopeful, naive, and desperate person that came up with this hairbrained idea and want to tell that version of myself, “bless your heart”. A little bit of kindness on the surface, only laced with condescension, staying “oh honey, you really should have known better.” Setting out across the world with a four-month-old and two-year-old on each hip would add so many challenges, not magically evaporate the ones that got me here. Some days, I’d rather have the chaos of the office over two unreasonable toddlers who refuse to nap.

So, when I look at the entirety of this last year, life still continued with it’s mundane chaos. Days still feel the same as they did in Seattle, marked by the same routines, habits, and personal faults (ahem, growth opportunities). Milestones, birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays still pass as they always do. On days I don’t leave the apartment, it’s possible to close my eyes and believe our lives have gone back in time to a day off in the PNW.

Nope, we aren’t in Portugal. Nothing has changed, really.

Only Everything Changed

When you move to a new city, it’s incredible how the smallest details you’d take for granted change. On one hand, you know everything will be different. You’re in a country with a different language, customs, processes, regulations, and currency. It’s expected that you’d need to use Google translate in the store to decipher whether you’re buying dog shampoo or hand soap until you’ve figured out the language. Currency conversion becomes another factor in financial planning. You expect to real time learn about every aspect of living from how the healthcare system works to taxes to renting an apartment. That’s all expected.

But it’s the small details you don’t plan for that take up mental capacity every day. Details like your favorite homecooked meals tasting different even though you’re using the “same” ingredients. Don’t get me started on figuring out cuts of meat here. Did you know they butcher meat differently in Portugal?

As an American, I’m still not used to providing your NIF (aka tax ID) with every single transaction, even for a cup of coffee. You gotta rake in those tax deductions! Or it’s details like what constitutes white lines on the street for a parking spot vs. “sidewalk” vs. a “street” in a construction zone. Don’t ask me about the time I got towed twice in one day… Pro tip: in Portugal, your traffic violations are tax deductible, don’t forget to add your NIF! Sigh.

All those details in every aspect of life in a new country add up. It’s a mental toll that you carry with you every single day. Even if you’ve stopped translating every single menu item at a restaurant or you’ve figured out the best coffee shop to get American style filtered coffee (sorry Europeans, tiny cups of bitter espresso aren’t my thing!), it adds up. Not to mention, new unexpected lessons pop up all the time (like how to get immunizations).

So, when I say nothing changed, I really mean every aspect of life changed. Sometimes it changed a little. Sometimes it changed a lot. But that’s why we moved, right?

An Unfurling

Yet, when I say everything changed, that’s not really what I’m talking about. I’m talking about me. I changed. It’s change that happened slowly, like an unfurling that you could only see if you rewound a year-long timelapse. Slowly the tightness in my chest started to unclench, my shoulders dropped little by little. I could finally sleep through the night, which I blame a lot on babies, but really it’s my insomnia. I finally had the space, time, energy, and capacity to make the changes I couldn’t make for years.

When you’re up close and living your life every single day, it’s sometimes hard to see the difference. But when a dear friend came to visit us last month, he told me I was the most relaxed he’s ever seen me. Now, I’ve known him for almost a decade. We’ve vacationed together all over the world. We’ve spent entire Saturdays brewery hopping all over Seattle, pre-kids, which is arguably the one of the most chill pastimes. He knew me even before my last job in tech, for a company that’s constantly demonized for it’s lack of work-life balance. Yet, in Portugal, likely with one kid screaming over a TV and the other one demanding a snack, I was the most relaxed I’d been in ten years. And I believe it.

When you talk about a person changing, it’s sometimes elusive to describe. I know I’ll never be able to fully put on paper. Maybe one day I’ll be able to look back and fully quantify it all. To be able to describe the inner shifts, the mindset, values, habits, and physical healing work I’ve done.

All I know is everything changed, and it’s not going back.

If you’re new here and want to go back to when it all started, read my first post where I dig into the why behind our move.

Whew! It feels good to write again, it’s been a while. Life has been coming at me fast, as my husband and I worked on what life looks like as our sabbatical comes to a close. We’ve got some major changes coming up, including a new business venture for me and moving to a new country. Stay tuned!