Gaslighting Burnout

You didn't fail. The deck is stacked against you.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Burnout and the stories I'd tell myself. I would have never been in this situation…

If only I managed my time better, I wouldn't have the crippling anxiety and stress sitting in my chest 24/7. The perfect planner, calendar, productivity hacks, and gel pens would fix it.

If only I slept 8-hours a night, ate three balanced meals a day, and engaged in light to moderate exercise three to five times a week, then this constant, bone-deep exhaustion would evaporate, replaced with boundless energy.

If only I meditated for twenty minutes a day and turned off every notification on every device, I would have the most brilliant, creative ideas combined with the calm, discerning demeanor of a Buddhist monk. Oh, and I would actually finish a single task.

If only I could set boundaries at work, I'd find the nirvana that allowed my career to grow while simultaneously having a fulfilling family life. I could effortlessly cook dinner every night, navigate baby sleep regressions without tears, and squeeze in a weekly date night so my marriage wouldn't crumble under the weight of life.

If only I could find this damn oxygen mask people keep telling me to put on, I'd have all the self-care in the world to "fill my cup." That's the key, right?

If only I had the willpower, discipline, and focus to do exactly what I knew was necessary, I wouldn't be here.

If only…

The clearly proven life checklist

So many days, months, and years passed, and I supposedly knew the exact steps to turn off the cycle of burnout. Snarkier versions of those lines played repeatedly in my head like a bad pop song (or, in my case, Cocomelon). Whenever I failed to follow the clearly proven checklist, complete with 10 easy steps to create my most fulfilling life, I fell deeper into the pit of shame. 

I'd look out into the world, assuming everyone else was following the checklist, juggling it all with only the slightest glimmer of sweat on their brow. It's so clear from the outside - they had figured it out.

The answer is obvious…

Photo by Amr Taha™ on Unsplash

So, what's an eldest daughter and ambitious workaholic to do? The answer was obvious: work harder, do more, and be more productive. Hustle. Grind. Eventually, you’ll develop discipline and epic time management to maximize every second of the day (including optimized amounts of rest because it’s on the checklist).

Yet, the more I reflect on my multiple cycles of burnout, the more I realize I didn't need more perseverance, grit, and an "I can do it all" attitude. I knew I needed to make significant changes, but I also needed to see the board of the game we call life with clarity and perspective. Perspective that is damn near impossible when you're in the trenches and listening to the seductive stories of the world.

Burnout is a tricky topic to discuss.

Somewhere along the way, many of us have equated it with personal failure and lack of willpower. When you’re so certain that your own weakness is the problem, it’s easy to double down on doing more. But who told you that you’re weak?

When you’re taught that you don’t have the answers and the world does, it’s easy to override your own voice (or even body). You ignore all the warning signs and disregard your own reality until one day, you look up, bewildered, unsure how you got there.

The deck is stacked

Listen, I absolutely believe in our own personal power and self-determination to build the lives we envision for ourselves. Can we always make different decisions and take different actions to manifest the lives we believe are possible? Absolutely.

But we should also be clear-eyed about the fact that the deck is stacked against us. No amount of grit and white-knuckling in life can fully negate the real ways our societal and cultural norms create environments that perpetuate burnout. The stories we learn from the world are so insidious and deeply entrenched that you confuse your perspective.

When the world determines your worth by how much can be extracted from you—your labor, thoughts, and contributions—the only answer is to give and give and give some more until nothing is left.

Over the past few years, I've been constantly working on unwinding these stories and listening to my body and voice. I’ve been digging into these topics not to be paralyzed by things I cannot control but to better understand why the journey has been so difficult.

I’m curious, did it bring anything up for you? To my international friends, does this feel distinctly American? Would love to chat in the comments. 💗

Stay well, my friends, and I hope you all have a wonderful and peaceful holiday season.

Until next time,